It has been a long time since I've blogged. I've changed the url of my blog (again) because after I've had a long break from blogging and my fingers are aching to write another, I can't help cringing at the url my past self came up with, Hopefully, my future self would be satisfied with this url. Anyway, today's blog post would be somewhat of a paradox. Enjoy.
Ever heard of this saying? It is something that most people, even myself, are guilty of. Many a times, we feel that we have enough knowledge or understanding of a situation that we feel that we have the right to judge what is correct and wrong, who is the one at fault. We start to get over confident and even at times, we overestimate ourselves. We start making assumptions and we comment. Perhaps, that is why people often say,"Get your facts right!". After years of observation, I've learnt that little knowledge is indeed a very dangerous thing and in fact, it is common in many situations. As a student, I'll start off with the academics.
Academics
As a student, I make this mistake over and over again. We assume that we know how much time is needed to revise a topic when we barely even know the topic. We end up planning a timetable which is unrealistic because we fail to understand how much time we truly need. I used to think that I can memorise things quickly. Thus, I often allocate just one hour to get an entire biology topic committed to memory. It took me three days to get Biomolecules into head. I paid an F for my bio test and disappointment from my teachers for that lesson.
Procrastination
This is also another result of over estimation. We think that we only need this certain amount of time to get things done when in reality, we really require way more than that. We start to push things later on and then get really stressed. Regret comes in, often too late.
Bitching
"Bitching" is teenagers' jargon for ranting. When we are upset by people or a situation, we would look for listening ears and start to rage and rant about those people/situation and frequently. When a person bitch, very often the person would tend to think that he/she knows the full picture and picture himself/herself as the "victim". Usually, when one person bitches, it tends to be biased (because of their emotions). I created blogs for this very purpose, whereby I would bitch about people, things happening to me whatsoever all day long. I'll also look for people to pour out my grievances. I always felt that I could see things objectively and that I was not being biased but objective. Most importantly, I felt that I was always right. However, over the years, I've learnt that is often not the case. When I think that I know everything, I actually don't. There are always certain facts that are left outside the picture, which I would only come to know about it later on and regret. I'll bring in the example of my mother.
I have been bitching about her since I was very young. I was probably the most mischievous in my family and as most Asian families practice, I was caned so often that I grew immune to it. I hated her for caning me. I know what I did was wrong, but I always felt that there was no need for her to inflict physical pain for me to learn the lesson. I grew up to be a very angry child because she never explained the rationale behind the caning. As a result, I always felt that she caned me for her own pleasure. As I grew older and became more rebellious, I would stand firm and could remain silent as she had fun with Mr Cane. That infuriated her (that I could remain nonchalant), which resulted in more caning. And this further convinced me that she really did cane me for her own pleasure.
I bitched. When I was in primary school, none of my friends face this problem. I had nobody to relate to, and that's when I started blogging. In secondary school, I managed to find somebody with a similar experience. It brought me such great solace. After so many years of walking in the dark, with my throat hoarse from shouting, whereby a part of me is starting to slowly accept that nobody would reply to my desperate cries, all of a sudden, a hand intertwined its fingers with mine. It gave me strength, that even though I have to continue walking in the dark, I could carry on walking with a huge burden lifted off my shoulders because I know someone is with me. I was no longer alone.
However, today, I'm slowly seeing dim rays of light through small cracks. My father told me a shocking revelation about my mother, explaining why she behaved the way she is and why she is adamant on certain things which I cannot agree.
My mother doesn't really have a friend to confide in. Her husband is away at work most of the day and he faces his fair share of problems. Her oldest son can never comprehend the way woman think. Her youngest daughter never has the patience to listen and her youngest son is autistic. The only person she could probably talk to would be her oldest daughter, me.
She see herself in me. Because among her four children, I am like an extension of her. The things I do, the things I say, even my temper, they are so similar. And among the four, I seem the one that is most capable of listening to her woes.
She scolds me for the mistakes I've made. Yet, she make the same mistakes herself. I felt so indignant to be reprimanded. Even though I kept quiet as she scolded and scolded, I was internally screaming,"HYPOCRITE!". The anger in me which always surged whenever I thought of this has finally been extinguished. Because I now know that she finds relief in my shortcomings. Yes, a part of me still is unwilling to accept all the scoldings because it is still not fair for her to scold me for the mistakes she make herself. But I acknowledge my lack of knowledge. I believe that there are still things that I do not know of and that I shouldn't be quick to judge (as I did in the past).
And these have reduced my tendency to bitch. I start to reserve my judgement about things and keep my mouth shut. Because I don't wish to say things that I would regret in the future.
But perhaps what really saddens me is that when I make neutral statements, I'm accused of not speaking the truth. People think that I bottle my feelings and refuse to share. They say I'm in denial just because I refuse to take an absolute stand in certain scenarios. This assumption really upsets me. I do take strong stands in what I believe in. But when it comes to people, I can never really take a firm stand because I simply do not know everything. I am not a mind reader, I do not fully understand what is going on in people's minds, I may be unaware of the reasons why people are doing such things, this is why I do not impose my stand. Even in History, arguments are constantly changing because of new found facts that are only revealed many years after the event has happened. And ultimately, who am I to judge? Perhaps, I am also guilty of the mistakes they commit.
Accusations have been thrown at me, sometimes by people whom I regard dearly. And most of the time, I do not tell them (that they are making assumptions) because I, myself, may be making the assumption that they do not know they are making the assumption about me (see the paradox?). Or perhaps, they may be facing certain situations and they are merely looking for an outlet to vent their frustration on. And when one is charged up with emotions, all reasoning would be void. Take the example of assuming that whatever I'm saying is not heartfelt. I can argue and justify that that is not true. However, from the start, if they were adamant that whatever that comes out from me are lies, surely all my efforts to justify myself would never convince them (because they would all be lies). Thus, rather than me justifying myself (which might get dismissed), it would perhaps be better to let time reveal it for them.
Perhaps it is better to not know anything rather than to know bits and pieces of the puzzle.
-Abigail
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