The Silent Voice

There are many things that we do not notice around us. Don't worry, this post has nothing to do with the video regarding abortion. I'm not sure whether that video was titled the silent voice or the silent scream but today, I speak for the children who have mental disorders, mainly autistic children.

My brother, Micah, was diagnosed with autism when he was about 2 or 3 years old. He was unable to express his thoughts in English or Chinese. What a pity, because he is one of the brightest kids I have ever seen. He used to love going to the playground daily, and at times, it was rather inconvenient to go out perhaps due to the weather or that none of us are free to take him out. He figured the keys to unlock the front gate, and ever since then, we had to keep hiding the gate keys at all sorts of weird places. As the most dangerous place is the safest place, I came up with the idea of hanging the keys at the top of the gate. I thought that he wouldn't be able to find it in a week but less than 5 minutes, to my horror, he was taking a chair to get to the top of the gate.

A few weeks ago, my father voiced his frustration to me regarding his math. In the past, more means addition and less means subtraction. During those times, perhaps mathematicians weren't as educated regarding English as of now. It was just plain English and the math problems. However, nowadays the math questions are twisted in a way that it really pissed my dad off. And because my brother haven't been performing up to mark in the main stream (AKA normal stream. He doesn't go to a special school for now) and my parents had to meet the level master or the HOD of math. My father brought this issue up to the teacher there before but she was unable to do anything about it. It's not the fault of the school nor the teachers but rather the syllabus on how the way the questions are phrased.

I've spent 15 minutes today, helping him in his math questions, and I've felt the same frustration my dad had every time he had to teach my brother his math. For example, Sue is 5 years old. Her father is 7 times her age. How old was her father when she was not born?

Even in this questions, there are problems. Her father can be still in his mother's womb when Sue was not born! What kind of retarded question is this. I just feel like throttling these smart alecs as I teach my brother his math. I'm already having difficulty teaching the fundamentals of mathematics such as division and the explanation of the question to him. And they come up with such a question, thinking that they are geniuses without sparing a thought for the children.

With just plain English, the older generation was able to grasp complex concepts as they continued their education such as algebra, trigonometry and calculus. Why then do the MOE or whosoever in charge of the current syllabus feel the need to change the way of the phrasing of the questions?

Changes are made to improve but these changes are superfluous. Their garbled phrasing has caused me so much difficulty in teaching simple primary school math to my hapless brother. If only he was born earlier, perhaps he wouldn't be caught up with these idiotic phrasings.

At the same time, I cannot help feeling that his potential has gone to waste. During that 15 minutes as I sat next to him, much to my embarrassment, his mental calculations were way faster than mine. I'm taking my O levels soon and I'm 7 years older than him, yet he calculates faster than me. How shameful.

I believe many children with mental disorders have their own specific talents. Certain autistic children may have difficulties with their studies but they are brilliant in the aesthetic aspect. And I remember from a very old local drama regarding an autistic man who had brilliant calculation. He could calculate the final answer to a tough math question within minutes but he was unable to show the working on paper, which was what the education system is looking for. And as a result, he failed his PSLE.

Doesn't Singapore need local talent? It is one thing to attract foreign talent, to face great competition in local universities and to face a even greater competition in the work force. But has the government forgotten about this small minority of people who though are stunted in their social aspects but have huge potential to accomplish great things?

If this continues to carry on, sooner or later Singapore would suffer a severe brain drain situation.

I just hope that this minority group will be taken care of and that those smart alecs could be a bit more considerate and spare a thought for these people. Seriously, nobody cares if they phrase it in a sophisticated manner or a simple manner. It is just math, we are testing on the concept and not the presentation of the question.

Dr. Carlos P. Romulo, late president of the UN General Assembly, once said,"The fact we must remember is that we are educating students for a world that will not be ours but will be theirs. Give them a chance to be heard."

Sadly, I can only speak for these children, the silent voice, on my blog. I really hope more parents can gather and write feedback to MOE or whosoever in charge of the syllabus to reflect on this issue.

Til then, I'll have to continue teaching my brother his guai lan math.

-Abigail

Friendship, the road to imperfection

To make this even more exciting, let's kick start out topic for today with an old memory 4 years ago.

It has been 4 years since we met. And because of her, I've never regretted coming to CCHMS ever since.

I wasn't able to choose the secondary schools I want to go because my mother and brother submitted the form while I was watching the Taiwan variety show, 综艺大哥大. I loved the magic show segment and I always watched it every week, that week was no exception. And as a result, my mother and brother chose CCHMS as the first choice. When I came to know about it, I cried. Since P6, I've always wanted to go to Cedar Girls' because there was where my best friend in P6, Sarah, was aiming for. During my primary school days, my friends were my first priority and it was my desire to go to the same secondary school as her. However, my PSLE score wasn't even enough to get me there and moreover, my form didn't even have Cedar Girls' as any of my 6 choices. It was a gone case for me.

In addition, the two of them went to put TKGS (Tanjong Katong Girls' School) as my second choice and TKSS as my third. I told them many times that I never wanted to go into any girls' school except for Cedar Girls'. Because at that time, I thought the girls there were either lesbians, bimbotic or just plain weird. It is a very mean stereotype but my mother was a classic example. She came from Nanyang Girls' and she's a weirdo (at that point of time), so you can't blame the 12 year old me for stereotyping.

My brother graduated from CCHMS and he told me about how horrible the teachers were and how he managed to play multiple pranks on his teachers with his friends. But his dislike for the school was evident and it rubbed off me, that was why I dreaded going to CCHMS.

On the first day of school, I met Jiayi and my impression of her was rather bad.

She had really red skin (only on her face) and she gave me the impression that she was really hot-tempered (turns out I was right). During the entire year of sec 1, I basically threw her to one side because of her clingy behaviour specifically towards me and her hot temper.

In sec 2, I had no choice but to stick with her because the 3 friends that I always hung out with in sec 1 had to go to a different class to take Higher Chinese. And up til this day, I'm really grateful that they had to change classes or I would have never got to know about jy and do all the retarded things with her. It seems like a misfortune really can turn into a blessing . :)

Back to today's topic, the rod of imperfection. After 4 years of spending time with her, I finally understood that no friendship is perfect. Just like how BGR have their own honeymoon period whereby the boy thinks that the girl is perfect and vice versa. After time passes by, the boy and girl starts to know more about each other's flaws and get to know more about the "dark side" of them. This is when they start to realise that their partners are not as perfect as they thought and only through prevailing that period of time then the relationship can stand.

I believe the same applies to friendship. During sec 2, it was my honeymoon year with jy (no homosexual activity involved okay). She was a "soulmate" I was searching for years. Somebody who had issues with their family, somebody who had faced loneliness, somebody who basically had face some shit. Most of my friends in primary schools were living extremely sheltered lives. ESPECIALLY Sarah, we don't really keep in contact with each other already, so she is clueless about this. All of them really had rich and perfect families. Whereas for me? I was still struggling, being very rebellious. Nobody seemed to understand my perspective and I never did found somebody who faced shit like me. They were just happy and I was just lonely. And when I found jy (yes I know I've met her in sec 1. Only in sec 2, our friendship got closer and we started confiding), that's when I realised I was not alone.

We spend happy moments in class and school, doing all kinds of retarded things with guys.

We spent moments crying at home on the phone over our issues.

But both of us knew that we will never be alone again.

That was the honeymoon phase. And here comes sec 3.

2012 was probably the most conflicted year I felt in my life.

I started to see her flaws that I ignored in the past one year. I started to feel as though we are distancing. I started to feel as though we barely have anything in common and thought that we are losing that friendship. Though we maintained closed contact in class and still did many retarded things, I just thought it wasn't the same anymore. 

Sec 4 was the year whereby I learnt many things.

The feelings I had in sec 3 moved on to sec 4. She wasn't really motivated to push all the way. She didn't seem to have the confidence to strive even harder. She was affecting me in my studies. She didn't know my progress. I didn't have the same progress as her, I was really stoning in class and didn't absorb anything much. I had to go home to study but because she listened a little and understood, she didn't have to. And I got affected, I got rather lousy grades because I didn't know where she stood and where I stood in terms of the syllabus. She can remember what Ms Anisa taught about organic chemistry but I can't even remember a single thing except the name of the chapters. I had to study during those 3 days of holiday to understand. 

I've always wanted to live in her house with her, to have our own place. We don't have to rely on our parents, we can be free. But I want it ASAP. I wanted it while I was in my early 20s and that is impossible without a bank loan in Singapore. Housing is so expensive and I can't even be sure how much I can earn a month and how long it would take.

The alternative method would be migrating overseas. The housing and cars there are much cheaper and I don't have to face issues like COE. For the amount of money I have to pay for a flat in Singapore, I could easily buy a house with perhaps even 3 floors overseas. The only way I can ensure an overseas life is to get a scholarship there because my parents can never afford to allow me to study abroad. I have to get into a good JC (Junior College) to be recognised by oversea universities. But jy don't think she can make it. I tried motivating her but it didn't seem to work.

I felt that I was changing, and I thought it was for the better but it wasn't. I started picking on her flaws, I get annoyed and even offended when she teases me. In the past, I would tease her back. I was being so stuck up, I feel guilty whenever I think about it.

She doesn't know any of this, of course. All of these were frustrations that I kept in my heart because I didn't want to spoil the friendship that we built up over the years.

One phonecall.

It woke me up. 

It was my petty behaviour that brought us apart. Whenever I'm with her, I forget all about this and really just have fun with her, talking about all kinds of crap. She was always the same person I saw in sec 2 and it was me who have changed during sec 3 & 4.

Maybe it was due to a different environment that I've lost myself for some time. That dark, emo, PMS side appeared, causing me to forget the joy we had.

No friendship is perfect. Just like how sometimes I don't really agree with the methods she have to studying, it is who she is. If I agree with everything she did, how is she different from me? The differences that we have are gaps in between us, that we either choose to ignore/accept or we choose to keep looking at it and pointing at it.

A best friend is find one person who has the least gaps with you. I may not have the same attitude towards academics but I'm very sure we have the same perspective towards many things. We have just so many things in common and we view things so similar and at times, even the same.

Friendship is not perfect, but what makes things perfect is when we can oversee the other party's flaws and just to have fun. A time when we can really let our true selves come out. I'm crazy and I like to talk about sick things. Only jy is the only one who understands the joy as well, all the other girls are disgusted.

It's rare, you know. To find somebody who not only does not mind you talking about sexual organs freely, but joins along and makes mean jokes about it as well.

It has been 4 years and I've learnt that at times, when I start to distance away from her, having the idea that she doesn't know anything, that no friendship is perfect. 

Hope that all of you can find your best friends some day. And if you already think you have found him/her, don't let go of him/her.

A photo taken at the start of this year to show how far we've progressed.

There's not much of a difference, except that I've hacked my long hair, don't you think? 

We've gone through 4 years and yet it feels so short. I'm not willing to part yet.

I guess the next important decision of my life is regarding JC admission.

Sounds familiar? ;)

- Thatcrazygail

A random filler

I'm supposed to be studying History right now. It is 10.29 pm and I have yet to commit Gorbachev's reforms' impact on Eastern Europe. So far, I've 2 more pages of excruciating memory work to go and laugh at what historic people have done. Trust me, there's not much to laugh about and I've still one more chapter of History to commit to memory. I guess tonight is all about USSR and their leaders epic failure (I'm going to get a lot hate for this. But you've got to admit they failed somewhere in order for their rule to fail, right? I know about the advantages they brought, but I still hate them because I have to memorise every stupid thing they did. Conclusion: epic failure).

Okay I'm digressing once again. My main point towards today's topic is about friendship. Obviously. At times, it can seem really tiring and it just doesn't seem to work but on the other hand, it just seems to fit perfectly.

I'm going to talk more about it in the next blog post because I've got to study ASAP and my brother's bugging me to sleep with him (he's only 9, you sick minded people. Undeveloped and incapable of doing mature activities). See you in the next post!

- Thatcrazygail

The Brain - A never resting machine

A new beginning

It has been 2 years since I've blogged and I've forgotten what a pain in the ass Blogger can be about blogskins. Guess I have to stick with this for some time since they pick on the itty bitty details of the HTML.

Let's start with why I created this blog in between my prelim exams. Just a few months back, my lazy best friend finally cleared up with some of rubbish at home and she found her old wallet. In her old wallet, she found this slip of paper which I gave her 4 years ago when I was in secondary 1. It was the address to my blog that I wrote 4 years ago. Thank goodness she made the dumb move of whatsapping me a photo of that slip of paper before she went to check my blog and I rushed to private it. So up til now, she has never seen my embarrassing moments 4 years ago. As I read my old blogs, I couldn't help cringing at the language and the juvenile thoughts I had during those time. However, it was as though I have found my old favourite toy and inspired me to create another blog. And thus, I was inspired to create this blog that you are reading right now.

Now, back to the topic of this blog post. The brain is a never resting machine. And as a result, many people have the "think-too-much" syndrome. I believe I'm not the only one who has this bad habit. Of course, there is nothing wrong with thinking, but I don't like thinking to deeply into things. Sadly, I can't help it. Whenever I'm left alone, I start to think about random issues and think deeper. For the past few years, my favourite "hot topic" to think about had been about the people around me. I seem to enjoy thinking about their perspective to issues in life and their approach. And then I'll judge whether I like their approach to life. And the final conclusion would be my personal understanding about that person and scolding myself internally for judging others. However, the hard reality that always hits me whenever I start to think in-depth about issues is that life is complicated.

"Life is complicated". The words of many people who simply accept the drama of their lives, full of backstabbing, pain, exhaustion. Okay, maybe that was exaggerated but you get the point. I understand that at times, things may get complicated, but the past me (2 years ago) have firmly believed that it is always people who made life complicated. If your girlfriend cheated on you and you're upset, just break up with her and get over it. To me, it was that simple. "But we have been dating for 7 months!", "I love her very much!", "I've never had sex with her!". Okay, ignore that last part. If you can't let her go, then forgive her and move on. "But.. I can't forgive, she's such a banana!" [Note, banana was a replacement for something more offensive. Sorry to all banana lovers.].

THEN? THEN WHAT YOU WANT TO DO? KILL YOURSELF?

Indecisive people are one of my biggest pet peeves all time. And why do you think they can't decide? The only explanation I can think of is that they think too much. And once again, that brings me back to my topic, the never resting machine.

Russell Peter (I'm not sure whether I spelt his name correctly) made a joke about women. The main message that he was trying to put across was that women cannot stop thinking. There is not even one moment that they can just stare blankly into space and think about nothing. He said that man could stare blank into space and think about nothing for 10 to 15 minutes and he made it sound incredible. However, I have now realised that it is rather incredible to not think about anything for even 5 minutes. Whenever I'm given time to be alone, I start thinking. Whenever I'm with friends, my brain works to think of witty remarks and mean but humorous comments. And whenever I'm alone, my brain would start thinking in-depth about random issues.

Sometimes, it is better to stay in the past and wish we never grew up.

I admire the past me, who was even though juvenile, childish and retarded (yes, you don't see me critiquing myself often. Savour the moment.). I admire my free-spirited and simple outlook to life. Yes, 2 years ago, I was extremely rebellious, I couldn't see the efforts of my mother and often had fights with her. It was also a rather terrible period of time but I can't help but sigh at how I've progressed. I was no longer that girl that doesn't give a damn about many things. I think I wasn't afraid to offend people and expressed my opinions of them straight in their faces, not caring whether our relationship would turn sour. Perhaps now, I still do that to some people around me but I dare say that I'm no longer that straight-forward.

I used to be so clear cut about my approach to life. But now? I'm faced with situations that I cannot decide what is the better choice. The only thing I can do is to sit by and wait.

I digress a lot.

But you get the point why I titled my blog post "the never ending machine".

I'm glad that I've started this blog. It is a place where I can really say whatever I want and my thoughts about issues. It is a place where I can open whatever I'm thinking publicly. It does feel better to let it out, rather than internally sighing about life. This blog could capture my thoughts now and that the future can look back at this, and then perhaps reflect on her progress in life.

And in case, you're wondering about the URL of my blog, why is it titled "eclipse". Eclipse is a short period of time where the sunlight is blocked from the moon, right? This blog would showcase that. I'm random and crazy and I enjoy laughter. But I don't fart sunshine out of my ass all the time, and perhaps it's time to show to the people around me a little bit about me. I believe many of them, even my best friend, no, ESPECIALLY my best friend aren't aware of how much this serious side takes up of me. Basically, people may mistake me as 80% crazily happy and 20% emo girl. I do want to be like that, but it is tiring to be happy all the time as well. Since primary school, I have put up enough facades to people to finally understand that it's okay to be emo. I'm guessing the current me is 60% crazy and 40% emo. Perhaps I don't showcase that 40% often, it's rather personal and it makes conversation between others depressing, hence the misunderstanding of my personality.

Maybe it's time to reveal a little bit of that 40% here. And like I've mentioned before, it's nice to write out your personal thoughts somewhere.

I welcome opinions about my perspective. I'll be blogging about rather controversial issues and I'm interested to know about your opinions. You can leave a comment on the blog post or send a email to me at faithful_lonelygal@hotmail.com. I prefer if you don't discuss it with me through face to face interaction or through whatsapp/text messages. I'd like my serious side to be confined into the computer, and not to spread it to my precious iPhone which I spend all of my time with. Maybe I should start giving it a name.

Okay, I'll end my long blog post here.

- Thatcrazygail